Find Thyself

In my childhood I was an adult, in my adolescence I was an old lady, in my young adult life I was dead. It was only when I chose the path of my journey that I was reborn, reborn in my own pursuit, and not of those who would forge my map for me. I was an angel set free for the first time into the world, with no social skills, at the age of 25. I placed myself into a situation that forced me to understand life in the simplest of terms. I lived on the tiniest amount of money, making due with what I had, living with people I barely knew, exploring new places, and seeing for myself what life could be, if lived. I ignore those who said it was dumb to just pack up a suitcase, board a bus, and head into the world with blinders on. I saw the world through rose-colored glasses and yes, naïve as a child let lose in an amusement park. I had never been so scared in my entire life, not even when my mother would come at me with the “belt,” or my father approaching me in his drunken stupor for sex. This was it, the idea that every person is born with: “One day I will leave home and be on my own.” But few people every do it, and fewer still succeed in when they try. But I did it!

Fear is a useful emotion, it lets you know when you have reached your limit, so you will know when you are about to cross that line and enter the realm of being purely terrified. I stepped on that bus at 7:25pm, on September 25th, 1995, and I was gone. I sat in a seat by myself, feeling the edge of the world riding my spine as the bus made its jerky run to Memphis, TN and then to Dallas, TX, and finally to Arlington, TX where I would live for six months. What I learned there was friends come in every shape, enemies look exactly like friends, poison can live in a handshake, and alone doesn’t necessarily have to be scary, but it always is.

I didn’t know who I was, and at that time, merely 25 years old, I wasn’t ready to look beyond the image in the mirror. I never wanted to see deep meaning behind those green eyes, and all forbid the search for inner peace. I survived on beer, Dr. Pepper, and denial. The voices in my head rang louder than they ever had as the fear I felt smothered their sanctuary. No one knew where I was, no one but the woman I left behind who still loved me even though I had cheated on her, lied to her, and ran out on her with no reasoning whatsoever.

We had been together for six years, six years of hiding behind each other and backing away from the truth that even though we had loved each other at one point, but then at some point it passed love into co-dependency. She was my friend, and I cared for her very much, but we stopped growing together. And when you stop growing as a couple, and one is content to stand still and watch the world pass by with little notice from them, then you know, its time to move on. Loving someone is never a guarantee that you will be together forever. Loving someone doesn’t complete you, loving someone should never be your reason for being whole, and loving someone should never be your only source of happiness. I never knew that, until I was 28 years old, and on September 30th, 1998 I was born.

I was given a book, just an ordinary book of Wiccan information by my very abusive girlfriend. I didn’t even open it for the longest time, but one day, out of sheer boredom, I opened it and read the first page. Three hours later, for the first time in my life, I cried for every wrong thing that had ever happened to me, for every person I ever hurt, and I cried for never knowing that I had been alive all along.

I cried for an hour, one whole hour straight. Feeling the anger, rage, and pain ripping from my inner being and leaving by way of my tears. I sat shaking on my bed in the apartment I shared with a woman who didn’t really seem to like me. And it was then that I learned, I was already whole and the puzzle I knew as myself was already complete, all I had to do was finish tapping in the last piece.

I stayed in that relationship for another year, trying to get her to see that she didn’t have to treat me that way, to see that I was a person with feelings, and I tried, god knows I tried, to tell her that she hurt me, but the sad thing was, she had already convinced herself that she was the only one who was ever right in the world. Even though I was alive, and even though I felt that I had finally been born, I had not yet left the womb of my own damnation.

On January 4th, 2000, I boarded a plane and left her behind and into the arms of an old friend. She helped get me back on my feet, to remind me that what I had done was incredible. That very few women have the courage to leave an abusive situation. But I had done it! Within a month of being there, I had landed a job, had done so well in it that I actually advanced within a month, and was paying my own way. I had finally been born, out of the womb, and into a new light.

I may not have lived in my life, I may have made some bad choices, but I know who I am now, I know where I want to go and I know who I want to be. And everyone who thinks they can suppress me… be damned. I am alive!