I've noticed two things

I did some serious refurbishing of my vitamin regiment. After many hours of research and refocusing my search words and what I expected and what I wanted to change, I came across a new vitamin (well, new to me) that promised to relieve the feelings of stress and anxiety. Now, as you know, I am skeptical to say the least. I have seen loads of vitamins and medications that promised to change my life with their herbal relief but few, with the exception of Niacin, have actually made good on that promise. But, seeing as how my life is currently lived with the confines of my four walls and my front porch, I needed to do something different. Hence, new vitamins. 

A lot of sites that deal with helping people with anxiety issues mentioned adrenal fatigue due to the constant high levels of stress and constant hypervigilance. What is hypervigilance? Well, vigilance is being alert, watchful, For people like me, that alertness and watchfulness takes on a whole different meaning. We are constantly... CONSTANTLY on alert, always watchful, with never a moment to relax. When the body is under that kind of stress, under that kind of constant vigilance, the body overproduces chemicals that makes the body constantly vigilant. And that, takes vigilance to hypervigilance. So, what happens to the body when this occurs?

When the body is under that much stress, overwhelming amounts of stress, the body produces large amounts of adrenaline, over and over and over, for days, for months, for years upon years. Eventually, those glands stay partially to constantly active, even when there is no danger around. Those glands can keep up that overproduction for a very long time until... well... they get tired, they get fatigued and then in some people, they stop working altogether. Luckily for me, they still work but they are fatigued. During the course of my research I came across a vitamin I had never heard of, ashwagandha. This vitamin has been known to treat adrenal fatigue but also has been known to treat depression and anxiety and greatly reduce stress. This basically means since the body is producing less adrenaline, the adrenal glands can rest. It also means that large amounts of adrenaline is no longer being pumped into the body making the stress and anxiety worse. This also means that the hypervigilance begins to ease up. Of course, I am a skeptic. But I have to try something. 

Day 3 on ashwagandha. I added 500mg of this vitamin to my regular regime that I have been on for one year solid. I take 6,000mg of niacin, 2,400mg of calcium and vitamin C, 5,000 IU of vitamin D3, 500mg of Magnesium, 1,000 mg of Fish Oil, 3,000mg Valerian Root at bed time, and a lot of water. I have been systematically cutting down on caffeine and cutting way back on coffee. I know what most people say when they hear the amount of each I am taking, "That's way too much! You are going to shut your liver down!" There has been no proof that those amounts cause damage. I have not felt my depression in over a year and I WILL NOT go back to living in that darkness. Besides that, I get a physical each year and my liver is fine. 

The ashwanadha is amazing! Truly amazing! The day after my first dose, I felt like I had taken a xanax. I was relaxed, almost to the point of not functioning but still able to concentrate. I did not have the cloudiness associated with xanax. The bad neighbors turned their car stereo up and I barely noticed. THAT was when I noticed a change. Usually I would have been on the phone immediately to the police but it barely phased me. I noticed it but I wasn't bothered. If that makes sense. I slept like a rock that night. I didn't move for 7 hours straight. That rarely happens but two nights in a row, I actually slept. I had bad dreams but I didn't react as I usually do. I woke up and was able to fall back to sleep immediately. My appetite is lowered but I am not stressing about that either. For 30 years, I have chosen to stay fat, to stay heavy because that is my safety blanket but I am not worrying that I may lose weight. And today, I left the house with my wife and I was fine. We had fun... let me say that again... we had fun. Now to give a short reason why that is important. I can go months without leaving the house and when I do, I am usually is a foul mood and I snap because of all the noise. I'm very unpleasant to be around when we are out of the house. So, to say that we had fun is not only an important step, it's a colossal achievement. 

Now that I have given the good points, there are a couple of downsides that I am hoping fades with time. First and most notable, I am in pain. One of the ingredients in ashawanda is lactic acid.  Lactic acid is the chemical that is produced by your muscles when they are used and it is also a by-product of milk. Why is this information important? Because it can settle in your muscles after a work out and cause soreness. See where this is going? So, i need to drink a shit ton of water to help my body flush the excess. And that is why i hurt. Because I am constantly putting it into my body before my body can fully flush it out, I have to increase the amount of water I drink in order to get to a balance so I can keep taking it and it will not cause as much soreness. 

Second this I noticed, it is hard for me to stir in the mornings. The ashwagandha causes such relaxation that it is or can be difficult to get up in the morning. But overall, I can honestly say I am liking the results of this. I will stay on the 500mg per day until the soreness goes away but if I keep getting results on this dosage, I will most likely stay on this level. 

Meet my system: Cassi

I came first. Everyone since was born from me. I am the tip of a pyramid created for the sole purpose to keep one single person alive, in good health, in good mind and soul.  I first opened my eyes when the body was one and a half years old. The body was barely able to stand or walk on its own; I took control for nearly six months.  

I aged myself quickly, to always be years ahead of the body. It was... it is my responsibility to protect those who came after me.

I survived the most, saw the most, and remember the most of all who reside within. I see them as my young and my apprentices. I guide them. Only I know my memories, though I know the memories of everyone inside. This is because I was the first and the rest came from me.

I was asked recently if I recall my first memory; how I was created. To understand, I would need to explain how some view the existence of alternate personalities. Some professionals believe the reason the alternate personalities are created is due the mind trying to understand what is actually happening to the person and because they are so young, their cognitive reasoning of an event is limited. Based on that theory, which is completely plausible, the alternate personality is created with different cognitive reasoning skills and better equipped to grasp what is happening, even if just slightly better than the core personality.

I was created when the body, or Lyn, was one and a half years old. Her body was being violated by her father and I came to protect her. The best way to describe the experience is this; with the mind of a toddler, the brain can barely understand simple objects around them, let alone pain. Having an understanding of pain, or knowing to pull a hand away from a flame, is basic human reaction. However, if the body is made to withstand the pain, without the understanding of why they cannot flee that pain, the brain goes into overdrive and tries to fully understand the situation. Thereby either fully retreating into a dormant state such as sleeping or a fully unconscious state, or, as in Lyn’s situation, her brain created me in order to first take the pain and second to understand the pain. I did both with ease. I knew from that first moment what her life would be, what was in store for her, somehow I just knew.

I accepted my role fairly quickly and with reasonable ease. At first, I hated the role I was placed in because I could not fully understand why someone would need to be in that situation, however, I learned in order for Lyn to grow and remain a viable person for society in some way, I would need to protect her as best I could. When the torment became too much, I did what she did, I created the soldiers to first take the pain and second to understand the pain. There are some who still do not understand why they were placed in those roles but they knew they needed to in order to protect Lyn. She is our number one reason for being alive, the ONLY reason why we exist. There is no other reason. Plain and simple!

Find Thyself

In my childhood I was an adult, in my adolescence I was an old lady, in my young adult life I was dead. It was only when I chose the path of my journey that I was reborn, reborn in my own pursuit, and not of those who would forge my map for me. I was an angel set free for the first time into the world, with no social skills, at the age of 25. I placed myself into a situation that forced me to understand life in the simplest of terms. I lived on the tiniest amount of money, making due with what I had, living with people I barely knew, exploring new places, and seeing for myself what life could be, if lived. I ignore those who said it was dumb to just pack up a suitcase, board a bus, and head into the world with blinders on. I saw the world through rose-colored glasses and yes, naïve as a child let lose in an amusement park. I had never been so scared in my entire life, not even when my mother would come at me with the “belt,” or my father approaching me in his drunken stupor for sex. This was it, the idea that every person is born with: “One day I will leave home and be on my own.” But few people every do it, and fewer still succeed in when they try. But I did it!

Fear is a useful emotion, it lets you know when you have reached your limit, so you will know when you are about to cross that line and enter the realm of being purely terrified. I stepped on that bus at 7:25pm, on September 25th, 1995, and I was gone. I sat in a seat by myself, feeling the edge of the world riding my spine as the bus made its jerky run to Memphis, TN and then to Dallas, TX, and finally to Arlington, TX where I would live for six months. What I learned there was friends come in every shape, enemies look exactly like friends, poison can live in a handshake, and alone doesn’t necessarily have to be scary, but it always is.

I didn’t know who I was, and at that time, merely 25 years old, I wasn’t ready to look beyond the image in the mirror. I never wanted to see deep meaning behind those green eyes, and all forbid the search for inner peace. I survived on beer, Dr. Pepper, and denial. The voices in my head rang louder than they ever had as the fear I felt smothered their sanctuary. No one knew where I was, no one but the woman I left behind who still loved me even though I had cheated on her, lied to her, and ran out on her with no reasoning whatsoever.

We had been together for six years, six years of hiding behind each other and backing away from the truth that even though we had loved each other at one point, but then at some point it passed love into co-dependency. She was my friend, and I cared for her very much, but we stopped growing together. And when you stop growing as a couple, and one is content to stand still and watch the world pass by with little notice from them, then you know, its time to move on. Loving someone is never a guarantee that you will be together forever. Loving someone doesn’t complete you, loving someone should never be your reason for being whole, and loving someone should never be your only source of happiness. I never knew that, until I was 28 years old, and on September 30th, 1998 I was born.

I was given a book, just an ordinary book of Wiccan information by my very abusive girlfriend. I didn’t even open it for the longest time, but one day, out of sheer boredom, I opened it and read the first page. Three hours later, for the first time in my life, I cried for every wrong thing that had ever happened to me, for every person I ever hurt, and I cried for never knowing that I had been alive all along.

I cried for an hour, one whole hour straight. Feeling the anger, rage, and pain ripping from my inner being and leaving by way of my tears. I sat shaking on my bed in the apartment I shared with a woman who didn’t really seem to like me. And it was then that I learned, I was already whole and the puzzle I knew as myself was already complete, all I had to do was finish tapping in the last piece.

I stayed in that relationship for another year, trying to get her to see that she didn’t have to treat me that way, to see that I was a person with feelings, and I tried, god knows I tried, to tell her that she hurt me, but the sad thing was, she had already convinced herself that she was the only one who was ever right in the world. Even though I was alive, and even though I felt that I had finally been born, I had not yet left the womb of my own damnation.

On January 4th, 2000, I boarded a plane and left her behind and into the arms of an old friend. She helped get me back on my feet, to remind me that what I had done was incredible. That very few women have the courage to leave an abusive situation. But I had done it! Within a month of being there, I had landed a job, had done so well in it that I actually advanced within a month, and was paying my own way. I had finally been born, out of the womb, and into a new light.

I may not have lived in my life, I may have made some bad choices, but I know who I am now, I know where I want to go and I know who I want to be. And everyone who thinks they can suppress me… be damned. I am alive!

We are in for a very, very long haul

We are in for a very, very long haul…

I am asking everything you have to give.

We will never give up…

You will lose your youth, your sleep,

Your arches, your strength, your patience,

Your sense of humor… and occasionally

The understanding and support of

the people that you love very much.

In return, I have nothing to offer you

But your pride in being a woman,

All your dreams you’ve ever had for

Your daughters, and nieces and granddaughters,

Your future and the certain knowledge

At the end of your days that you

Will be able to look back and say

That once in your life you gave everything you had

For justice.

Jill Rukelshaus

NWPC Convention, San Jose, 1977

Mental Illness is not a blueprint

The term Mental illness does not mean a blueprint. It doesn’t follow a set of guidelines to say this disorder does this, and that disorder does that. Though some mental illnesses do follow a similar pathway, it does not mean every person set with that disorder will have exactly those same qualities.

It took me a long time to accept I am sick. I think that is the key to moving forward, accepting that you are sick. I thought, “I can’t be sick because there are times when I can hold down a job, and there are times when I can go outside alone, and there are times when I have no problem talking on the phone. So that mean I’m not sick because I can do those things… sometimes.” But that’s it, isn’t it? I never stopped to realize that yeah, I am sick and I can do those things. It’s like seeing only black and white. It’s not allowing yourself to see grey. Even if you are sick, you can still do things that other people would say means you aren’t sick. That comes back to mental illness NOT being a blueprint. Every person will experience their illness differently, because we all have different backgrounds, familial connections, cultural differences, religious backgrounds, etc. Each person takes all of those things into their personality and THAT feeds directly into how they experience their illness.

When I go back to work, when I get a job, I never go into that job half-hearted, never! I jump in, full force, head held high, full of fire and ready to conquer the task of learning my job and role. Those traits come directly from my illness which comes directly from my childhood. I was trained for years to be hyper vigilant, on guard, at the ready, and eager to please. When I get the thumbs up that I am doing a good job, which means danger has passed. My upbringing taught me to be watchful, listen for possible danger, and always vigilant about possible danger.

Litany of Forgiveness

The litany of forgiveness is tears

and sweat and hair

falling out in fits of pulling

free from the torment

of waking drenched

teeth clenched in pounding

reminders of moment just before

the tale of hope finding its footing

in sand trailed by blood as blisters

warped and tainted, peeled and fresh

wrought with existence in a brief expansion

when I finally threw the gauntlet down to dare you

tell me I am wrong for not forgiving you

It's ok to feel good... it really is

It took me a long time to realize something that a lot of other people already know: It’s ok to feel good about yourself. Shocking! I am not an arrogant person, I am not completely narcissistic, I do not over praise myself, nor to demand constant recognition for a job well done. But I do feel good when I help people, when I solve a problem, when I find a solution, when I can make someone feel utterly warm and fuzzy about being them. We have things we contribute to the world, we all have talents that we can and should feel good about. Never allow someone else determine your worth because they don’t own you, your feelings, your thoughts, or behaviors. If someone tries to take your shiny, happy moment away, walk away. You are allowed to feel happy. You are allowed to bask in everything that is beautiful about you! If there is someone who is desperately trying to tell you otherwise, then they are toxic to your progress. They don’t deserve you.

I would like to personally thank you for being in the world, for being you, for being alive, and surviving!