I’m sick. I’m sick and tired. And I hate every second of this. I can’t see beyond right now when my eyelids burn to close, nor can I see beyond right now because my brain is soggy, or at least feels that way. For the passed twenty-two years I have ran through my life in the blur of Prozac and Paxil, Zoloft, and Depakote, and Lexapro, and Amitrityline, and Xanax, and now Buspar. My stomach aches and churns in the mixture of everything I take just to keep my skin from peeling apart and ripping me to shreds from what other people did to me. I was created into the person I am now because of actions and results, not because of hard work on my part. Though I can look back and say no I wouldn't change a day, I actually like myself, as strange as that may sound. But fuck them! Why did they take their perversions out on me? Maybe it was because I was so small, so petite, they thought I was weak. But I did survive that ordeal. So what! I can’t leave my house, I need tylenol pm to stay asleep, I don’t eat well, blah blah blah and so forth. I’m just sick and tired.
I started Buspar eight days ago and I have been so sick since. Nausea, vomiting, lethargy, inability to concentrate, dizziness, and general sickness. I hate pharmaceuticals. Far too many side effects that outweigh the benefits. And I know it’s still early but I haven’t noticed a difference and I haven’t noticed a decrease in my anxiety. I’m going to give it another 7 days and then if nothing has changed I’m stopping the medication. I don’t like how I feel. But I also don’t know what else to try. I have completely given up on going back to work outside my house. I know how that sounds, that I’m giving up, I’m not giving up. “Do the thing you fear the most and the death of fear is certain.” So the saying goes. So I did. I left the house everyday, every fucking day for 9 years and I had a breakdown. It only got worse and no one can tell me why. I tried, I tried so hard to keep it together because I wanted to be perfect for Melissa. I still do. I want to take care of her. I want to be well... For once. But I won’t be well. I know I can be managed, I know I can live a great life, and I know I can do whatever I want.
I’m just having a down day. These come and go, just like major symptoms of my “mental illness.” This too shall pass but dammit if these side effects aren’t burning my ass!
Hi Tomi, it's so hard to keep taking something that is currently giving you no gain, but a hell of a lot of grief. I've been there. I'm sorry you feel so ill.
ReplyDeleteIn the past whenever I would have the urge to give up on new meds, I'd remember a statement my old psyche used to say to me. A clear sign of maturity is the ability to continue with an activity or proceed with a goal that offers delayed gratification. To keep true to a goal, even when the outcome is not there right in front of you.
He used to comment that a lot of my behaviours were immature
in many ways, so I'd remember this because I wanted to prove him wrong.
Keep going if you can, the average time it would take for the first rush of side effects to ease for me would be 2 1/2 weeks. Then up to 4 weeks for everything to disappear. Unfortunately it normally takes me 5 weeks on average to start feeling the benefits of anything I start. I know everyone is different, but if your belief is that this may be worthwhile long term, keep going. You have more maturity in your little finger than I have in my whole body, so good luck. I hope you start to feel better soon. Kerri