Realizations are scary... At best. I know academically that I am agoraphobic.But I am also he master of denial. Until this evening.
Three years ago I had a breakdown. My mind was pushed to the ultimate boundaries of endurance and I finally snapped. And for ten years before that I lived in Memphis, TN. Unarguably one of the worst places to live in the United States, Memphis has a long enduring history of hate and anger and a strong cultivation of apathy. They strive for apathy here like animals strive for survival in the wild. It’s their instinct, it’s their culture, it’s their lineage, one they will never change. I hate it here. I would rather live with my abusers than live here.
While doing the dishes this evening, I do what I always do and had an in depth internal dialogue about my situation and things I have observed about myself. I do this all the time. I self analyze. I dissect myself and try to filter out the bad. At times it is excruciating because I see certain parts of myself and know I cannot change them or filter them out. I try so hard to better myself all the time and tonight I realized I was doing something wrong.
As I mentioned before, I dislike Memphis. I have never hidden that fact. I also blamed a lot of my condition on the fact that Memphis is the root of all evil. I started working again in 2004 and I continued to work until I couldn’t anymore. And for the longest time, I blamed Memphis for this. I blamed Memphis for me not wanting to go outside, explaining to anyone who would listen that I was different before I came here, I used to go outside all the time in California, in El Paso, in Savannah, etc. I explained that I have held down jobs, I have spoken to people, I talked on the phone all the time. I would drive to the store without ever worrying about it. I would... I would... I would... But that wasn’t true either. In California I went outside because my then girlfriend wanted it that way, and then the girlfriend after that. I held down jobs during that time because I needed more money than I had. In El Paso I the same thing, in Savannah same thing. It was always for someone that I pushed myself beyond my endurance level and in the end of each of those, I suffered.
So, when I first started noticing that I was slipping away emotionally, I did try to reach out to people and explain it was happening but I also kept blaming the job, the people I worked with, the type of work, the amount of work, the mentality of the people who grew up in Memphis and their incessant apathy, and having to commute with the piss poor drivers here. I blamed everything else.
It wasn’t Memphis at all. I’m agoraphobic. At an early age I was conditioned to stay away from people. Every time I was close to people they harmed me in some way. When I started to stay away from people I felt ok. During my childhood and adolescence I learned to be alone and I felt safe.
I’m agoraphobic. When I was leaving the house each and every day to go to work, I was pushing myself beyond what I could actually handle. And slowly I lost every ounce of strength I had to hold back the fear and anguish I felt. Each time I went to work, I got weaker and weaker until that day in August in 2010. Then all bets were off, the damn broke, and I fell to the ground in a heap of tears because it was all just way too much. And this evening when I finally saw that it was not Memphis at all, something clicked, it was like someone ran a pen up my spine and dotted the back of my head. I’m agoraphobic. I never wanted to believe I was that bad off. I never wanted to believe I still had years of work ahead of me to deal with what happened. I have spent 44 years not dealing with what happened. And now, my mind, in small bursts of remembering, is forcing me too. I had a major memory recently thanks to Dexter, the tv show. Long story. Some people haven’t seen the most recent episodes so I don’t want to spoil anything. Needless to say, there was a very triggering scene for me and since then my brain has been waging war with itself with releasing memories and fighting to keep them at bay. My defenses are faltering and acceptance is rearing its ugly head.
I’m agoraphobic. I don’t have enough energy anymore to keep any of the crap at bay. In the past when I have been in therapy, I always reach a point just before I start talking about my childhood and then I stop going. I can’t do that anymore. There is nothing else to blame, nothing else to do but move forward and to do that I must, I must confront the crap.
You know what you are also? You are more than a Survivor! And you just preached yourself sane, You tore down brick by brick the wall that said, I am Agoraphobic because, a , b , c.!. You are a Thriver, you are a employee, you are Social, you have purpose and live those purposes out. Wonderful blog, great insight you have and I am sorry about the memories and I also know we only remember when ready and nothing we remember can hurt us, Peace n Love Maria & Mosaics
ReplyDeleteMaria and Mosaic, you have always held words that resonate deep in my mind, you have always held wisdom, and I really appreciate everything you said. Thank you, friend!
DeleteYou are also strong and brave. Facing the memories is a very hard thing to do. Its scary. Its feels yucky. Its daunting but it haunts you if you don't. It is a haunting that lurks in the shadows and you deserve to step out of the shadows and out from underneath the torture your abusers have placed on you. It took my mother years to do it but she did and if she could then I absolutely know you can. You can do this. This is your life now and now you get to decide what to do with and the people you let into it. You are courageous and magnificent. You are not only a survivor but also a warrior. You can do this.
ReplyDeleteI like that, warrior. I have always held the belief that I am a survivor veteran because I have been dealing with this for so long but in reality, I'm still fighting and still working hard to get from point A to beyond. Thank you for your powerful and encouraging words, it means so so so much to me!
DeleteBest wishes to you. I am having some of the same issues; after staying so strong for so long, I finally just broke down (nearly three years ago), and now I feel so stuck in a life of fear. I feel like the walls are closing in on me at all times but I'm too afraid to escape. I am going to work very hard on this, though. Like you, there are things I need to confront, parts of my past that are burying me alive. I am so tired of being afraid of everything, and of missing so much of what life could be. It's hard to know where to begin, especially when in order to get help I need to leave the house, but leaving the house is what I need help with! It's frustrating.
ReplyDeleteIt's aggravating, isn't it? You have to leave the house to get help but it's very scary to leave the house but you need to get better and round and round it goes. I get so frustrated that there are days I will cry for most of the morning. And then I dry my face and work on my game designs. There has to be a better way.
DeleteHi Tomi, I just realized you have this blog. I should have found it ages ago, but honestly, I can't navigate tech to save myself.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, about your post. I hear you. I get it. When I was nursing for 13yrs I would get up every morning and have an incredible battle with myself about going to work. Every single working day for 13yrs. In my case it wasn't agoraphobia that was battering me, it was extreme anxiety driven by OCD thoughts that every day I was going to make a mistake and kill someone. During this time my anxiety was out of control and my checking was a nightmare.
But when I tell people this, it's like they don't get it. They don't understand how I could still have loved many aspects of my job, and appeared to do it so well, if all of this was going on in the background. But I know you get it.
Every working day for those 13yrs I felt like I gritted my teeth to make it through, and in the end I too hit that proverbial brick wall, and crashed into a breakdown.
Even though I loved nursing, I will never work in that field again because it is too much for me. I don't think my nervous system could handle it now. But I know there is a future that is bright for me, I just have to make career choices that take into account limits on stress, not just what I intellectually can handle.
I know what it's like to have unexpected moments of clarity as you've just described, and they are so momentous and so powerful.
Now you know an incredibly important truth about yourself. How big is that. Wow.
I hope the depth of what this means, and the hard work it implies doesn't flatten you right now. Breath, and maybe take some time to take it all in.
You know you can do it, it just sucks to have so much to tackle.
You are in my thoughts, Kerri
For some reason that made me think of a card I received when I graduated as a Medical Assistant. The front depicted a big hill and at the top was a huge boulder, a guy, and a cow. The hill was the journey, the boulder the struggle, the guy was me, and back then cows were trendy, that was the only reason it was there. lol That card still makes me giggle.
DeleteBut I totally get everything you are saying. I was good, very good at what I did. But I can't do it again. When I think about it, I start to feel anxious. I know the right thing for me now is game design. I can do that at home and I can make a decent living. Was there anything during nursing you did that could help others but from home? Just a thought.
Thank you for always knowing exactly what to say.
I'm glad I know you,
Tomi