I found a way to control my binge eating

Along with other myriad of issues I have, I am also a food addict. That is a very controversial subject, people will say, you cannot be a food addict, you are simply eating to try to erase the pain you feel, the memories you want to avoid, etc. I can see that point of view, I can even agree with it. But until an accurate label is placed upon it, all we have left is food addiction.

That being said, I used to binge eat whenever I felt a sudden rush of stress I could not handle. We all have stress in our lives, and for the most part I could control and handle my stress. But there days when it became too much and I binge. I ballooned to 325 pounds. The weight never bothered me. I was never unhealthy. Never diabetic, no high cholesterol, I was healthy but fat. I was happy and content to be fat for several reasons, but that's not why I'm writing this. I am writing this to explain how I developed a way for me to control my binge eating.

How? You may ask... I started cooking.

I have always enjoyed cooking but all of my skill was rudiment, no real skill, no serious experience. In 2006 I started baking more, I did research to learn how to make cakes from scratch and from there my passion for cooking grew. In the winter I bake my face off, bake... my... face... RIGHT... off! Not with pot but with sugar and spices! I make cakes, brownies, cookies, breads, etc. I found my love and my passion. But how did making food help you control binging? Fair question.

I discovered the most hands on I was with food, cutting, mixing, marinading, creating rubs, everything. Then I discovered America's Test Kitchen who took the passion for cooking to another level by teaching not only great recipes but the techniques that make those recipes work.

I had to slow down to create these recipes. I couldn't just throw food into a pan and then gorge. I had to slow way down, red section of the recipe several times, slice, cut, julienne, etc. When I was forced to slow down and truly concentrate on what I was doing with the food, the concept behind the food changed. It was no longer temporary bandage over a void festering wound. Food became a canvass, it became a way for me to be creative when the writing juices weren't flowing easily.

I had to slow down and then... I started concentrating on the wound. It didn't happen all at once, it was a long painful process. Healing is a long painful process but it's worth it, the fight to better is worth it. I found my way to control my binge eating, everyone should.

Side Effects may include...

I think doctors have a sick sense of humor and are a bit sadistic. Yet, we put our trust in them because we assume, in some small part, they have the answers.

I recently saw my psychiatrist. I actually like this one. Those she fumbled a bit on the lamictal, she has fully understood my need for xanax. I don't use it often, only to leave the house for appointments, to help Melissa with grocery shopping, taking the dogs or cats to the vet, etc. I can make a 30 day supply last for 90+ days. That's not boasting, that's just my reality. 

So, during my last psychiatric visit my doctor prescribed topomax. The first day I had the following side effects: I could not comprehend a thing anyone around me was saying, except every other word, and I needed time to piece those words together and figure out what it meant; I was groggy; my mouth was dry; I had zero interest in food; food tasted funny; soda... well... soda tasted gross; and I felt exhausted. 

Can you imagine what must go through the minds of doctors as they prescribes these medications? They know these side effects will take place. They know some of the side effects will not be fun. One of the side effects of topomax is a feeling of being tired but also insomnia. To that I say... o.0

I will feel tired but I won't sleep? Sucks to that! That's what I'm feeling now. It's ok though. I get a lot done in the middle of the night.

Well, it's that time of year again...

During the mid-August through November 13th, I am usually a wreck. It is also during this time that I withdraw from those around me, the burden I carry gets a bit heavier during this time of year. I do and say things I wouldn't normally. I become a bit apathetic and I close myself off. I never mean to hurt anyone but I know I do, especially Melissa. She loves me more than any person on this planet ever has. And when I pull away during this time of year she is always there when I reappear November 14th. And we pick up right where we left off.

It has been my experience with people in my life who cannot fathom my mental illness and until this passed year, neither did I. I could always say to myself, "well, I am lucid, I am aware that I say and do things that seem irrational but I am always in partial control." What I failed to grasp, what I am learning to grasp now, people who are mentally ill cannot always see the life they are in, nor the actions I execute, nor the words I sometimes say in the heat of an episode. I can't always see it. For instance, Melissa commented how much she loathes this time of year because I am such a wreck it sucks the fun and joy out of our time together, sometimes. I said, "well, it will be over soon, right after November 13th." She replied, "No, it goes longer than that." I was stunned, because I had no idea what she meant. I asked her to explain and she said, "You start to change just before August, almost anticipating August. Then when we get to September, you get worse. October you withdraw. November you are still gone. December... well, you start to come back in December. But it goes longer than November and its worse than you understand. But its also ok because we get through it."

I didn't know. I didn't see it. I'm wondering if its just not seeing it or some level of denial. I can work with either one, I can work my way through it and emerge on the other side stronger than I am now. But right now I need to pull away so my heightened senses can rest a bit, so my mind can just bear the weight of the memories its trying hard to ignore, so when I resurface I can be a better wife and friend.

We Are The Crazy

We are the crazy, the loonies, we are the ones you stare at in the mall while we walk and talk to ourselves. We are the ones you make fun of while we stammer through our excuses as to why we did what we did, when no explanation will do. Why did we fling ourselves against the door? Why did we throw our food on the floor? Why did we wake screaming in the night? Why did we…?

We are the ones who suffer in silence as people mock us for being unable to control our impulses, we suffer knowing our loved one are frightened of us, they are tired of dealing with one more mood swing, they wait and watch and are prepared to dial 9-1-1 in case we finally snap hard enough to burn the world down. We can’t stop when the movement of our crazy begins, when the motion drags us screaming into that place where all the crazy go, we pass others trying to claw their way out, we almost wave but it’s rude, especially when the reeling makes us vomit.

We know. We know it hurts and we know it looks funny and we know you don’t believe us when we say, “we are sick, please forgive what I may say and what I may do.” WE KNOW! But knowing isn’t the same as understanding and understanding isn’t the same as being able to stop it. Our actions, when we are in the throes of our latest “episode,” are not our own, it’s the illness shaking loose the reins, just once in a while, because even the illness needs to go crazy sometimes, just release that pent up energy, to keep it from burning the world down.

Forgive us, this one time and the million times to come. Please, just forgive us because we can’t stop the illness, we can only control it…. sometimes. We don’t do any of it to hurt you, or embarrass you, or make you hate us. But I can see your yawn in your eyes as you look at the “episode” displaying again and you wait for “this one” to end, and we chalk it up to the illness, and you are so patient, and I can tell you love me because you take that “episode” and you wait for the next “episode” with the poise and grace of a saint.

Just please forgive us when sometimes we can’t hold it back. We will do better next time, and we do better the time after that, and the time after that, and the time after that… and the….

Why create a gaming company?

Recently, a friend of mine asked me why I wanted to create and run a gaming company. I knew it wasn't for the money. Most indie gaming companies rarely get that "big hit," and most really aren't in it to become millionaires. Brent Knowles mentioned in his Lazy Game Designer series, (I'm paraphrasing here) if you aren't in it for the art of the gaming industry, and only interested in the money, stop now. And I have to agree with him. I love computers! I love what they can do, I love what we can create with them. Technology will save the world. I truly believe that. I love games! I never used to. But after my breakdown, and throughout my struggle to just find solid ground again, I discovered games help me do that. The types of games I play require some strategy, figuring out where to go next, how to keep from dying, etc. So, I really wanted to pay homage to the industry. That was one reason. The second, I am agoraphobic and leaving my house to go to work is draining, emotionally and eventually physically. I try and I have to take three days out of my life just to recover from that one day out.

So, why? Why create a gaming company if I know I will not become rich? I thought very long and very hard about that question because I didn't want to just do this for me. I wanted clear purpose. I wanted a true path to MY idea of success. My true reason, is to help other people like me. Yes, plain and simple, to help people. I have had a YouTube channel for six and a half years and each week, or at least I try each week, to dish out advice I hope helps people. I don't have a lot of subscribers, but that isn't my purpose, my purpose is to help people. How will a gaming company help people? Right now, I can't hire people, I don't have any money. It will be a LONG time until i can hire people, but the people I want to hire are those people who want nothing more than to go back to work BUT have trouble leaving their house. Agoraphobics, social phobics, people living with debilitating anxiety, depression, etc. will find a job with me. This is a company that will be able to function from home. The internet, Skype, Twitter, YouTube, all of those will help people work from home. The server will sit in my house and those people will be able to access the server and upload their parts of the games. Those people will NOT have to apply for disability just to pay the bills. They will not have to count on the government to feed them or give them health insurance. I can help them. I WILL help them!

Every venture should have a true, solid purpose. THIS is my purpose.