Well, it's that time of year again...

During the mid-August through November 13th, I am usually a wreck. It is also during this time that I withdraw from those around me, the burden I carry gets a bit heavier during this time of year. I do and say things I wouldn't normally. I become a bit apathetic and I close myself off. I never mean to hurt anyone but I know I do, especially Melissa. She loves me more than any person on this planet ever has. And when I pull away during this time of year she is always there when I reappear November 14th. And we pick up right where we left off.

It has been my experience with people in my life who cannot fathom my mental illness and until this passed year, neither did I. I could always say to myself, "well, I am lucid, I am aware that I say and do things that seem irrational but I am always in partial control." What I failed to grasp, what I am learning to grasp now, people who are mentally ill cannot always see the life they are in, nor the actions I execute, nor the words I sometimes say in the heat of an episode. I can't always see it. For instance, Melissa commented how much she loathes this time of year because I am such a wreck it sucks the fun and joy out of our time together, sometimes. I said, "well, it will be over soon, right after November 13th." She replied, "No, it goes longer than that." I was stunned, because I had no idea what she meant. I asked her to explain and she said, "You start to change just before August, almost anticipating August. Then when we get to September, you get worse. October you withdraw. November you are still gone. December... well, you start to come back in December. But it goes longer than November and its worse than you understand. But its also ok because we get through it."

I didn't know. I didn't see it. I'm wondering if its just not seeing it or some level of denial. I can work with either one, I can work my way through it and emerge on the other side stronger than I am now. But right now I need to pull away so my heightened senses can rest a bit, so my mind can just bear the weight of the memories its trying hard to ignore, so when I resurface I can be a better wife and friend.