We Are The Crazy

We are the crazy, the loonies, we are the ones you stare at in the mall while we walk and talk to ourselves. We are the ones you make fun of while we stammer through our excuses as to why we did what we did, when no explanation will do. Why did we fling ourselves against the door? Why did we throw our food on the floor? Why did we wake screaming in the night? Why did we…?

We are the ones who suffer in silence as people mock us for being unable to control our impulses, we suffer knowing our loved one are frightened of us, they are tired of dealing with one more mood swing, they wait and watch and are prepared to dial 9-1-1 in case we finally snap hard enough to burn the world down. We can’t stop when the movement of our crazy begins, when the motion drags us screaming into that place where all the crazy go, we pass others trying to claw their way out, we almost wave but it’s rude, especially when the reeling makes us vomit.

We know. We know it hurts and we know it looks funny and we know you don’t believe us when we say, “we are sick, please forgive what I may say and what I may do.” WE KNOW! But knowing isn’t the same as understanding and understanding isn’t the same as being able to stop it. Our actions, when we are in the throes of our latest “episode,” are not our own, it’s the illness shaking loose the reins, just once in a while, because even the illness needs to go crazy sometimes, just release that pent up energy, to keep it from burning the world down.

Forgive us, this one time and the million times to come. Please, just forgive us because we can’t stop the illness, we can only control it…. sometimes. We don’t do any of it to hurt you, or embarrass you, or make you hate us. But I can see your yawn in your eyes as you look at the “episode” displaying again and you wait for “this one” to end, and we chalk it up to the illness, and you are so patient, and I can tell you love me because you take that “episode” and you wait for the next “episode” with the poise and grace of a saint.

Just please forgive us when sometimes we can’t hold it back. We will do better next time, and we do better the time after that, and the time after that, and the time after that… and the….