I get why he did it

I have felt strange since hearing Robin Williams committed suicide. I think it is a combination of him dying but mostly because of what people are saying. "He gave up," "He's selfish," "He should have gotten help." These are people who have never been that close to suicide, have never contemplated suicide, never experienced mental illness.

Mental illness is so pervasive, so burrowing, it drills itself deep into the mind and just shreds everything in its path. We can't control our actions, we can barely control what we say. But there is one creature in the mental illness arsenal that is completely devastating, for everyone involved. Depression.

I am a silly person. By nature, I am funny, witty, my jokes are clever, and I love to see people laugh. When my depression was at its worse, all of that disappeared. I couldn't see a point, I couldn't appreciate nice weather, food lost its flavor, my life felt pale. I tried to commit suicide when I was 19. It wasn't a cry for help, it wasn't attention seeking. I gathered my "supplies" while no one was watching, I quietly went into my room, locked the door, kept to myself, and did what I felt I needed to do to end the suffering. I was suffering. Every second of everyday I spent in throes of utter suffering, some of it caused by the abuse I sustained, but also because I developed depression at a very young age.

I wish I could describe it adequately. I wish I could describe it at all. What does depression feel like? Believe me, it isn't just feeling down. It isn't just a phase of feeling "blue." I heard it compared to, "being in a cave." Yeah, just walking into a cave, feeling for the end, feeling for some sort of light switch, hoping the next moment will lead to some sort of... hope. I'm not using the word hope arbitrarily. Hope has sustained prisoners of war, kidnapped victims, rape victims, and abuse survivors for centuries. It is a truly powerful emotion. But with depression, it's gone.

Imagine, for a second, stepping into traffic. Everything in your executive brain tells you NO! Everything in your executive brain tells you to step back onto the curb, seek shelter, stay alive! But there is another part of the brain, another section in the mind of someone with Mental Illness that screams just a titch louder, telling you to, "yes, step into traffic... do it... there is nothing going forward... there is pain... there is hopelessness... there is nothing... do it... Do It... DO IT!!!" It's overpowering. It literally... LITERALLY takes everything to not step into traffic. It isn't just a mental screaming, it pulls at your muscles. It tries to move you forward into traffic. It isn't the strong who resist. It isn't the weak who give in. It's mental illness. Some make it, some don't. It's a life... long... struggle... and it is exhausting.

We wake every morning after a fitful nights sleep, trying one more day. We try constantly. It is physically exhausting, I can't say that enough. Have you ever been so tired it's difficult to lift your arm? You think to yourself, "I can just fall asleep right here." That's what the exhaustion of Mental Illness feels like. But we can't sleep. For five years I had a bedtime routine. I would let my dogs out, I would get a drink of water and take a fist full of vitamins and in the mix would be 6 503mg of valerian root and 2 tylenol pm. And I might get 5 hours of good sleep. I was one of the lucky ones. I actually fell asleep. I may not have stayed asleep, but I could fall asleep. There are some who can't sleep for days, weeks, and their mental health deteriorates. Then I started taking Pristiq along with my usual nighttime regiment and eventually I was able to stop the tylenol pm, but still take the valerian root to help me fall asleep but now I am sleeping 7 to 8 to 9 hours a night.

But there are some who just can't go on. I don't blame them because I get it. I get that there comes a point when we have tried for that one more day for years and we do it for family and friends. We try so hard. There are some who have tried everything, decades of therapy, one anti-depressant after the next, medicine cabinet full of the ones that didn't work. Years upon years of trying the next thing; yoga, inspirational posters, religion, meditation, over and over, each attempt full of a mixture of hopefulness and fear it won't work.

I'm sorry Robin Williams is gone, I'm sad for his family and friends. But I am probably one of the few who understands why he did it. I will never regret trying suicide, I will never regret failing. But when I was at that point it made sense to me. It was the only option left. So, I get why he did it.