It's a process... always a process

Most people think it's incredibly easy to get over agoraphobia. In the minds of people who don't have it, they see it as simply walking outside. Just stand up, go to the door, open it, walk through, and then close the door behind you. Simple, Right?

Here is a small list of what goes through the mind of someone who has agoraphobia as they think about walking toward, let alone, actually walking toward the door.

1. Heart rate instantly increases.
2. Breaks out in a cold sweat.
3. Body starts to shake.
4. Dizzying feeling and swaying. Sometimes accompanied by falling down.
5. Nausea and/or vomiting because of being worked up.
6. Sudden and occasional violent panic attacks.
7. Flashbacks.

These are just a few. Well, what causes it? I can't answer for everyone who has this but for me, I have no idea. I don't know what it is about going outside that causes so much fear. I have yet to pinpoint the exact reason and my symptoms have been steadily getting worse since 2006.

I was once on disability for Multiple Personality Disorder starting in 1992 to 2004. I was so happy the day I stopped and was able to go back to work. I was able to leave my house everyday without fail. But then in January of 2006 I noticed a slight change, very slight, so subtle it was often missed by myself as I decided to not only go back to work but work on my education as well. The first two years of my college career were spent taking classes through their online program. There were only a couple of classes that were on campus but I was able to go to them. I was doing ok until May of 2006 when I got a promotion at work and was moved to a different floor with different responsibilities. That is when I started calling in. Before then, in my entire working career, and that includes starting to work at age 15, I called in maybe 10 times. I didn't believe in it, I didn't want to burden my co-workers, I didn't want to let my boss down. My belief is when a company hires you, they take a huge risk because they do not know you but they have to trust they made a good investment in you to help keep their business going. Calling in or showing up cracks that trust and they really have no reason to keep you when there are thousands of people who will show up. I never wanted to give them a reason to feel they bad a choice. Though, I really believe I let one of the best bosses in the world down, and I have to live with that because I never told him what I had, I just tried my hardest to power through. Which leads me to 2010 and the pushing through nearly destroyed me.

It isn't about being lazy. It isn't about being stupid. It certainly isn't about striving for unobtainable goals. I am not nor have I done any of those things. I am a hard worker, I don't know any other level of working. I LOVE working. I love getting into the mix and figuring out why something is broken and how can I fix that? I love being on a team of like minded people all working to make something better, to make a product function better, to make the company better. Yes, when I join a company I immediately drink the cool-aid because they deserve loyalty for taking a risk on someone they do not know. I rarely ever go into a job thinking it would not lead to a career. And the moment my agoraphobia got so bad I couldn't function outside my house was the day I felt that part of me wither a bit, and that was a sad day.

People have such horrible misconceptions about people who have agoraphobia because they do not educate themselves on it, they just sit back on their "I'm better than you" pedestal and make rash judgments. It's unfair and cruel. They don't know me or my struggle. They never take the time to try. They see what they want and disregard everything else. That's called apathy and being a dickhole. Don't just assume I am lazy. If you are curious or wonder why I can't do something, ask me.

I am working on getting better but that also means I will be walking through my past again, saying hello to old demons, killing a few and learning to live with the rest. This will wear on me and my wife. This will alienate me from most of my friends. This will also change the person I am. But I am invested in getting better, so much so that I am actually going against one of my deepest rooted beliefs of not taking medication for it. I always believed I am intellectual enough to reason why I am the way I am and fix it. That doesn't always work and I get that now. So, I am taking medication three times a day, seeing a psychiatrist once a month, a therapist once a week, and digging my heels in, stretching my shoulders, staring deep into the heart of the mountain in front of me, and preparing for the hardest task in my entire life. For me and for my wife. I do this to honor her because I have never had anyone love me like she does. I have never before trusted that love or the heart that showers me with such adoration and want, it feels so intense. I was watching her the other night and it suddenly hit me, like a pen running my spine and dotting the back of my head; she loves me, me... not to spite my illness, nor to fix it, but because she can see passed that part. She can look beyond that small part of me that demands so much energy and she can love what lies beneath. She is forgiving of my illness and problems it is causing. So, I honor her by working hard to get better.

 Donning new Emperor's clothing is difficult work but in the end I am hoping for a new life. It will be nice to have a picnic.