Five Steps to Cooperation - Introduction

Five Steps to Cooperation

Introduction

To put it bluntly, I have Multiple Personality Disorder. The DSM-II (the book used to diagnose me in 1991) defines Multiple Personality Disorder as, “The presence of two or more distinct identities or personality states.” It took several years after being diagnosed to actually say those words. Mixed with shame was the after taste of denial and uttering those words would mean the end of a long road from abuse to broken. Just as anything devastating, I was immediately thrown into denial. Thus began the five stages of grief. This is common; almost every survivor goes through this when finally faced with reality. There are two stages that are most common; denial and anger. These can last for years and within that time further withdrawal can occur; not just by the core but by the system as well.

In my youth, I endured unimaginable amounts of abuse by the hands of my parents, two uncles and the uncle of a friend of mine and several friends of my parents. The abuse consisted of sexual, emotional and physical including mutilation of my body. The scars I bear are almost badges of honor; though it happened I came out of it alive. As a way to cope and deal with the abuse, which is very difficult for a child to endure let alone comprehend, my brain divided over and over, 200 times, in order to sustain and protect me. That only earns my gratitude, respect and loyalty.

When I was diagnosed in 1991 the DMS-II (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, Second Edition) was still in use as was the terminology Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD). Since then, the DSM has undergone some changes and with that the definition and terminology of MPD. When the DSM-III was introduced the new name for MPD was Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and the idea behind it was slightly changed as well. Under the term MPD it was very plain and distinct what was truly happening; multiple personalities all residing within one consciousness. The awareness of the core never changed, whether inside or out, they remained exactly who they were. When the definition and terminology changed the idea of MPD also changed. Dissociative Identity Disorder does not explain it, in my opinion. The true definition of dissociation is: “the splitting off of a group of mental processes from the main body of consciousness, as in amnesia or certain forms of hysteria.”  If someone were to break down the words it would roughly mean when the core person “switched” they no longer knew who they were and “portrayed” whatever personality they chose.  Basically, it was the same person dissociating to feel better and to make that happen they had to pretend to be someone else. This is not so. Though I am sure the Psychiatric community has the best intentions they fail to accurately define what is really going on. By claiming the alters are not real, they basically negate the validity and the sacrifice of the alters. When I switched, I still retained my identity, I knew who I was at all times. I resided within my mind, within my consciousness while the others did what they needed. They knew who they were; separate from me, completely separate and aware.

Never in my life have I met a person willing to endure the most unspeakable traumas for another individual. Ask yourself, if you saw a child getting beaten within an inch of their lives, and you knew the abuser would not stop no matter what, would you step in and take a beating? Or rape? Or mutilation? I can honestly say I don’t know; I want to say yes immediately but in reality I don’t know if I could but every single day of my youth, until I was fourteen, that is exactly what my alters did. The world they were born into was wrought with so much horrific viciousness it is at times incomprehensible. They never gave a second thought about what they would do when faced with abuse; they took it, no matter how bad, no matter how painful. They took and endured everything. And when they couldn’t take it anymore, they created more people. The cycle went on and on until there was a small army and their ONLY purpose was to protect me. How can anyone look at them, knowing what they did for me, and say they don’t really exist? Most people disregard the disorder as false because they cannot understand how it works. But on the other hand, most people have a hard time accepting that people can harm a child on that level. It’s amazing what humans are capable of doing… even to a child, but it happens every second of  every minute of every single day.

Disregarding the alters does not honor them, it does not praise them, and their sacrifice is rejected. When I think of that happening, I become very sad. I made a decision to be an alter advocate because when I stopped saying, “poor me… poor me… this terrible thing happened to me,” and I started thinking about them and what they did, my perception of them changed drastically. They became my heroes.