Not what you think.
When I was 14, I started to gain weight. Around the same time, the sexual abuse stopped. It was also around the time my family started to ignore me. In my mind, being heavy equals safety.
Fast forward 30 years, I have maintained my weight between 280 and 300 pounds. If my weight starts to drop, my anxiety will go through the roof. Don't get me wrong, I fully understand years of being obese is terrible for my body, but so was abuse. I had to trade one thing (my health) for something else (safety). It was probably right at my breakdown nearly four years ago that I began to understand being this heavy is probably super bad and I should lose weight. I also knew that just losing weight wouldn't work while the underlying issue related to my weight was still lingering.
So, I figured while I was in therapy I would approach the topic and see if I can get passed it. But every time I brought it up, it would eventually either be overshadowed by something else my therapist wanted to discuss or completely skirted and never brought up again. That is what happened Monday when I started my session like this, "I have two things I want to discuss today and the first thing is pretty big. Since I started Pristiq, I have lost my appetite and I started to lose weight which has caused my anxiety to flare up. And it's something I need to figure out because I don't think me losing weight will stop any time soon." My therapists response, "How old are you now?" "I'm 44." "Well, maybe it's your body's way of telling you to lose weight, to spare your knees and your general health." My response, "I don't have health issues. I don't have heart disease or diabetes, I don't have back problems, I have high blood pressure but two doctors have diagnosed it as stress and anxiety related, and I have taken medication for 8 years to control that with no issues." And that was it. She started talking about something else and we never got back to it. She is a good therapist, she specializes in anxiety and agoraphobia and her approach fits my personality. It's hard to find a therapist who will not discuss the MPD (multiple personality disorder) when you make it clear it is not up for discussion. She respects that boundary.
But this is bothering me. So, I told Melissa it was bothering me and I knew it was something I needed to work on but just like my therapists, she ended up skirting the issue and I called her out on it. Melissa said, "Huh, you're right. That's interesting." And that was it. o.0
Why is this so hard to discuss? Why is it so hard to get help for this? There has to be other people out there who are experiencing the same thing; gaining weight to protect oneself, and then losing weight without trying to having that cause anxiety. I can't be the only one. I don't know what to do about this if no one is willing to listen to me and understand there is great concern about this. But I will try again during my next session and I will let her know that it did bother me and this is not something that needs to be skirted. If I don't stand up for me, no one will.
I've been watching your videos for a while and they've been an tremendous help. I'm currently dealing with a weight issue at the moment and I was relieved to see your video on this. My problem is the opposite and has a different cause, but I’ll ramble on anyway.
ReplyDeleteMy father was a sadistic narcissist and as far as he is concerned, a woman should look good and do as she’s told. My mother went along with it and played obedient wife. He despises overweight women and he would drill into me that overweight women were failures. Please understand that by overweight, he meant anything other than super-skinny.
I’ve always been skinny and about 5 years ago I got extremely ill and lost a lot of weight. I was clinically underweight, with bones sticking through my skin and I was miserable, but my parents thought I looked fantastic. I’ve got medical problems which reduced my appetite but I’m just on the path to getting proper treatment so my appetite began coming back. My dream body is curvy and as far as I was concerned this was fantastic and I wanted to put weight on. However, I kept deliberately missing meals and keeping myself underweight. This confused the hell out of me and finally a couple of months ago I discovered a new alter who was insistent that I gain some weight for my health. I realised that the other alters were either not bothered or deliberately avoiding food so I started paying attention to this new alter. It’s taken a while but I worked out what was going on. I initially thought it was fear of criticism from my father but I don’t speak to my father anymore and only speak to my mother on the phone. I realised finally a couple of weeks ago that I failed my father in everything that I did. I was never, ever good enough. The one thing I did do right was to be skinny. That was the one thing he was proud of me for. It was a shock to realise that there’s a very deep part of me that is still frightened of disappointing daddy.
I completely understand where you’re coming from, even though I admit it’s different to me. The problem is not the actual weight; the problem is what the weight represents. People can tell me until they’re blue in the face that I look healthier and better with weight on and it will do nothing to help me. What will help me is supporting that part of me, hidden deep down, that knows she will become the ultimate failure in my father’s eyes if she doesn’t remain skinny. That is what I need to work on. That is where therapy needs to be focused. Accepting that I failed an abusive, sick, repulsive excuse of a man. It’s harder than it should be.
So yes, people can tell you positive things about losing weight but it’s not touching the real issue. One thing I did to avoid sexual advances was to dress in masculine clothes. You put weight on. It’s deep and complex issue and it deserves attention. I really hope you make some progress with therapy.
Cattlyn
Thank you so much for sharing that with me. Yes, it is the same. Weight issues is very complex and I wish someone would really take time to address it as a true mental illness and not just excuse it as a vice. I asked my psychiatrist about it the time I saw her and she said there isn't a diagnosis for what I do by staying heavy but it is very common. I thought that was weird that it was so common but not diagnosisable. And you are right about the problem lying in what the weight represents. That is the core issue. You hit the nail right on the head. It's a good starting point. Again, thank you so much.
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