Changing My Mind Set Toward Men

I came to the conclusion recently that I am offended by men. I was watching a show recently and there was a woman, who I might add was a hired hit-person and very capable of handling herself, who was threatened in a bar. There were two men there, one who was the asshole threatening her and one “who came to help the damsel in distress.” The woman turned to the “hero” and said, “I don’t need help.” He looked offended. But I saw the act of him rushing in to help her as an act of aggression. But why did I see it that way? It wasn’t that he did anything wrong. He merely stood up and tried to calm the situation. But in the world as a whole, I have seen a great number of straight men act as if any woman they see as something they own, period. Whether they do or not, they have this air about them that seems to scream, “all women are property.” It’s evident in tv shows and movies, in songs, in literature. And if a woman stands up for herself then she is a “dyke” or a “ball-buster.” Some men cannot accept that there are women out there who do not need them. They don’t desire to need them. They do well by themselves or they do well being self sufficient even while in relationships. But because of that mentality of ownership, some men tend to be aggressive in their behavior around women. 

Then my beautiful and wise wife asked me a question that stumped me. “Would you have been offended if it was another woman who stood up to defend her?” I didn’t have an immediate answer. I was only aware of my initial response, offended, but I didn’t stop to think how I would feel if it had been another woman. Now, if it had been a woman who stepped in to interfere with two men about to fight, the men would have been offended, saying, “I don’t need a woman to fight  my battles.” 

There is so much ambiguity in our world regarding the attitudes and attributes about the sexes and we cultivate the stereotypes and drill into our minds through tv and movies that men really ARE that aggressive and they are to be feared. Just in the past few weeks, there was a guy who wrote a book basically on how to sexually assault women. That in itself is frightening. What frightened me the most was how much backing he got.  That is our society, that is our world. 

I want to change my attitude about men, I want my idea of them to not be altered or kept in stasis based on what I went through as a child where I was passed from one man to the next who got off on raping a little girl. I lived through for twelve years until I started to gain weight. My obesity keeps men at bay. I never want to lose weight because I want men to leave me alone. And I know, the moment I do lose weight, I will know the aggression of men again. But that isn’t true either. I have no way of knowing that. I haven’t been thin in 30 years, so how do I know how men will treat me? It’s that mind set I want to change. 

I'm not always best at 3 in the morning

I always feel strong at 3 in the morning when my resolve has been whittled to nothing. I can reason with myself at 3 in the morning that everything wll make sense when the sun comes up because after all isnt that what a new day is for? To develop better resolve? I’m not always at my best at 9 in the morning because then the fears wake up with the sudden burst of energy from the first cup of coffee of the day. But I can reason that into submission until the second cup and then all bets are off. I can look myself in the eye with the glare of disappointment gleaming back from the mirror when I realize after another 3 hours that it’s noon and my resolve is all but history. I turn my video game on and stare blankly as I move my “hero” from one successful mission to the next and feel as if I am indeed saving the galaxy because that seems more likely than saving my own world that peeks shyly from behind tear filled eyes as I realize for the 7 billionth time that I am sick, more sick than I thought at 3 in the morning and now it’s 7 at night and I have to start imagining myself lying in bed to fall asleep. What a joke, the sleep thing. It rears it’s ugly head as soon as I place my head on the pillow and I wonder, from so many years ago what lies waiting behind that closed door. I started closing my bedroom at age 7, locked the door at age 9, and by 14 I slowly became invisible. But those vicious pains of remembering always came back, always came to see that I never really sleep again. I feel ashamed that I am letting... well, not so much letting my illness determine how I live my life but the fact that right now, just at this moment in time I am a bit weaker than I want but that doesn’t mean I am weak forever. And so, at 3 in the morning I try to gain some self respect and try to convince myself again that I can do this... I can live, I can stay alive, and I bear falling asleep because by 9 in the morning my fear will be battling me again over a steaming cup of coffee... it’s our little game, it’s the game we play to remind each other that fuck resolve, who needs it?

Toxicity of Memphis

I always believed there were many different types of toxicity in our lives. Those things can include family, friends, work, places we live, tv shows we watch, games we play, music we listen to, etc. Those things can compile and compound until our systems are devastated with so much toxic afterbirth that we suddenly fall apart. That is what happened to me in August of 2010. Memphis is not conducive to joy, happiness, well-being, or a sense of safety. Memphis is one of the most miserable places to live; high crime, criminal government officials, the city makes money off of the hate, children being raised by apathetic people who watch their offspring turn into apathetic people and so on and so on, racism so harsh and deep set it chokes the air, and then there is the noise... the ear piercing, heart hammering, teeth rattling noise that pounds against the nervous system until someone... me, succumbs the shattered mental stability. This city caused my breakdown, this city and it's lack of care peels away small bits of me until nothing remains but a crying, nervous, twitchy freak of a person who can't stand going outside because Memphis lies beyond that door.

So, June 1st, 2013, I will leave Memphis for good. I will go in search of my place, the place where I feel at ease, where my health will regain and my mind will remain forever at peace. I will go ahead of my wife of 13 years, missing more and more as each mile clicks under my wheels, but know when I DO find that place, when I find that atmosphere where I can breath, she will see me as I was meant to be seen, not the hateful person I have become.

My journey will begin soon, my peace of mind will follow after that, my life will begin again.

I really need to be more proactive about blogging. But geez, Skyrim is so addictive! That is neither here nor there. This is an update, plain and simple, about my progress through anxiety.

I started seeing a really good anxiety specialist and within two sessions I noticed a difference. For one, he help me see the bones of anxiety. What I mean to say is, he help me peel the reasons for the anxiety down to the very bare essence. Here is what I have learned thus far:

Today I want to talk about fear. Survivors know about fear, how it feels, usually what causes it, but what we rarely ever stop to truly consider is: are we afraid of the impending danger or the fear itself? Let me break that down.

There is one type of fear. Fear exists, but how does it exist? Do we bring it into existence by our definition of danger? Let me break that down.

There are two types of danger; valid danger and perceived danger. Valid danger is very real. When you are standing in a shop and someone pulls a gun, immediate danger, our reaction is fear and panic, that fear is valid and real.

Then we have perceived danger. We reach for the door handle; we are suddenly gripped with panic, “what is on the other side? Who is waiting there? What will happen?” Perceived danger, though not valid danger, is still danger and very real. I heard a quote recently that has stuck with me and has drilled deep into my mind; I cannot stop thinking about it. “Fear is not real. It is a product of thoughts that you create. Do not misunderstand me; danger is very real but fear is a choice.”

“Fear is not real.” That statement in itself is far too broad to understand on its own. Fear is real, no matter valid or perceived. But someone can talk themselves out of the perceived fear. Though our bodies will react the same way whether valid or perceived.

I am not an expert on fear; I am, however, an expert on how I EXPERIENCE fear. We have all been there. Thrown into that deepest impact of a panic attack. And we thrash at it, we try so hard with all our might to hold it back, but the harder we try, the worse it gets. And what is on the other side of that panic attack? Where is the danger that feeling invoked? Nowhere. The feeling itself is what we are most afraid of. We don’t want to feel it, we don’t want to experience it. We always want the calm, not the storm. But what if, what if we could walk through the storm? What would happen to us if we just let the panic attack ride out? What could be the worst possible outcome? Fear… because we are otherwise not harmed in anyway. When we start to understand that, when we start to fully believe, then the panic attacks become less threatening. We start to see that we made it through the storm, somewhat scathed by the process, but still intact. It’s the process of retraining the brain to understand the difference between perceived danger and valid danger. It all ties into what our abusers made us believe in the first place.

They attacked us. The brutally attacked us, for some on a daily bases, for some even worse. So our brain never learned to distinguish between perceived and valid danger. Now as adults, we can repair that damage. And we can help our systems to learn the difference. Essentially, we are the conduits to the outside world for our systems. We are the experienced intrepid explorers of a world they know little about save for the violence thrown upon them.

Our fear is based on a pattern of repeat exposure to danger: valid danger. Our minds trained to pinpoint precision to detect danger, we tiptoed through life, weary of possible danger, and we carried those traits throughout our lives. So, what can be done about it? What do we do with it now? The answer is so simple, so beautifully simple, I literally cried when I realized it; we are no longer afraid of the valid or perceived danger, we are now afraid to feel the fear.

Before you scoff, before you “poo poo” at the answer, please stop and think about this question, “why are you afraid?” When I stopped freaking out that I was having a panic attack (and mind you that is a feat all in itself), I started looking at the actual fear. I concentrated on my heart rate, on my sweaty palms, on my shaking hands; I focused all my energy on those things alone to break down the structure and integrity of the panic attack, and bore its bones. What did I find? It was the fear I didn’t want to feel, it was the craziness of the fear, the irrational sense of danger, the poised sense of fight or flight. All of those things tangled together in this mesh of a panic attack gives us the impending doom feeling. I did the only thing I could think of at that moment and … rode out the panic attack. I let it happen. I thrashed in my own skin and on the other side of it, I was fine. I was fine. And I haven’t had a panic attack at that magnitude since. Does that mean I am cured of my agoraphobia? Heck no! That just means I am now on my way to understanding why the agoraphobia lingered for so long and grew to the monster it became. I could see the moment it started, how it took over my life, and now… now I am moving from it. It will take time, I still have minor panic attacks, but I can dismiss them more rapidly. I can even go to the store alone.

Like in all things I have said before, it is a process, a journey to finding life within yourself again.

Finally worked??

Today I had to leave the house, period, there was no way around it. So, roughly an hour and a half before i had to leave the house I took the Theanin Serene with Relora and IT WORKED!!! Oh my god! I had no anxiety! I was able to go to my appointment, I was witty and confident, but most of all, I was relaxed without being sleepy! Something finally worked! I found the solution to my anxiety treatment WITHOUT Xanax or other pharmaceuticals!!! I just cannot express enough how wonderful I feel! This is what I have been waiting for my entire life, to walk outside and not feel like my chest is exploding or that my mind is racing, or I fidget. I did it! I found the combination that works for me. I am just elated!

Ok. a lot has changed since last posting. First, my regiment went like this for a month:

Morning Regiment:

Niacin: 2,000 mg
Magnesium: 500 mg
Fish Oil: 1,200 mg
1 tablet Stress and Anxiety Formula: Which contains:
B-6: 10 mg
B-12: 50 mg
Folic Acid: 200 mg
5-HTP: 50 mg
Suntheanine L-Theanine: 50 mg

Night Time Regiment:

Niacin: 1,500 mg
Magnesium: 500 mg
Fish Oil: 1,200 mg
GABA (Gamma Amniobutyric Acid): 2,250 mg
Valerian Root: 3,180 mg
1 tablet Stress and Anxiety Formula: Which contains:
Vitamin E: 30 IU
Calcium with Calcium Carbonate: 72 mg
L-Glutamine: 800 mg
Valerian Extract: 100 mg
Grape Seed Extract: 25 mg
Melatonin: 3 mg


I no longer take the Stress and Anxiety Formula. Though it did help a little bit, it just did not control the anxiety the way i wanted it to. I still felt the unease from leaving the house, even to check the mail. It did nothing to stop panic attacks. It basically wasn't worth the money for what I needed.

I am still taking 2,000mg of Niacin in the morning and 1,500 at night. I am still taking 500mg Magnesium in the morning and evening. The fish oil is also still the same.

I was taking two Tylenol PM at night to help keep me asleep during the whole night but tonight will be the first time I won't take it. I have been taking it for almost two years now. I will be taking Theanine Serene with Relora. This product contains: GABA - 500mg, Taurin - 450mg, L-Theanine - 200mg, Holly Basil Leaf Extract - 100mg, Relora (which is a combination of Magnolia officinalis bark and Phellodendron amurense bark) - 60mg. I am still taking the 2,250mg of GABA and 3,180mg of Valerian Root because this is the combination that helps with my sleep pattern.

As with anything new, I am starting slow and taking one tablet during the day and one at night. I have noticed a difference but time will tell if this will have staying power and if it will keep working when I actually need to leave the house. Also I have decreased the amount of caffeine I drink. I will have one Dr Pepper a day, as before it was two or three. I am drinking more water and more decaffeinated tea. I feel decreasing the caffeine will help with the anxiety.

And that is the whole reason for taking this stuff and trying to find the right combination so I CAN leave the house and return to work. I understand it takes time to recover from a break down and it takes time to find the right combination but I am getting impatient. August 17th will be two years since my break down. I need something to change.

If this doesn't work, I may need Xanax in a small dose to help me get out of the house. But I will keep researching to find other natural solutions before I go back to pharmaceuticals.

Too Much GABA

I added three GABA to my morning regiment since Monday, January 23rd and I think I started out with too much. I have felt calmer but also very sedated. Tomorrow I think I will go down to one GABA, 750mg in the morning and three at night. Once my body adapts to the change in the morning, I will add another one. I have to be patient and remember that my body needs time to adjust to any changes and that usually takes roughly 14 to 18 days. I am just so eager to get back into my life and start living again, I numbly jumped the dun in hopes of something grand and curing.

The key to this is patience.