I have developed a reaction to the Lamictal. Shortly after starting the medication, I developed small patches of rashes on my back and legs, hives popped up on my legs and thighs. No sores in my mouth or nose, so that's a plus. I had only been on it for exactly two weeks. I called my psychiatrist and spoke to the receptionist, he is such a nice guy, and he told me to stop the Lamictal AT ONCE. I am incredibly itchy, restless, and have flu-like symptoms. I see her tomorrow but man, is it really worth this? The medication I am currently, Pristiq has helped my depression, I am taking less Niacin, but it has done nothing for my anxiety.
I have been seeking help for my depression and anxiety since I was 15. For 30 years I have seen, maybe, 12 therapists and 3 psychiatrists, with almost no results. The only therapists that actually helped me were Shela and Dale. They forced me to look deeper within the issues, the true issues, so that I could find my way out of them. My issues run deep, from an eating disorder, anxiety, depression, isolation, and countless others. And although I went into each session filled with hope that this therapist would help me, I would leave knowing they couldn't. For whatever reason, The only two therapists who actually helped me, Shela; she was just amazing! She specialized in in MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder). She was an early pioneer in the field and made breakthroughs very few therapists at the time could. Her approach to treatment was first, let the system know there would be no integration, unless the ENTIRE system wanted it. Second, the treatment could only work if the client was in control of its progress. I made such incredible progress with her. Then there was Dale; she is the kindest, most endearing woman I have met since Shela. Her approach was pretty much the same, but what she treated was not the level of anxiety I have. My treatment could only go so far with her and we both knew that. I have had two other therapists since Dale but none have done for me what she did.
After 30 years of trying, of course it stands to reason I would get tired, tired of trying to new approaches, new medications, the latest fads in medicine with such horrific side effects I would lie in bed for days feeling as I were slowly dying. And for what? Nothing is helping the anxiety. But, through my skill of self analysis, I think I have found the cause.
My family lives roughly five hours from me. My mother has visited Memphis on several occasions, and it was at the start of those visits that my anxiety became unbearable. So much so I withdrew. The harder I tried to be "better," the worse the anxiety became to the point I had a breakdown. And here I am, nearly four years later, still trying to recover from that. But I feel if I were further away from them, my recovery would be leaps and bounds ahead of where I am now.
My point to this tirade?
Medication will not work for me, it hasn't in the past, it will not in the future. Why? Because my anxiety is trigger by my proximity to my family. I can fully grasp that reality. It makes sense to me. It fits because when I was in California, Texas, Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico, South Carolina, North Carolina, Colorado, and Florida, I was fine. I functioned outside, in California I had jobs, I spent my weekends walking around downtown L.A. and Pasadena. I went to the beach, movies, etc. So, yes, I know the closer I am to my abusers, the worse I am.
Do I know what I sound like?
Yes, I know full well this sounds like the rants of someone who is ill and feels they would do better off the medication. The problem with that theory is, I am fully aware of my mental faculties, I am aware of myself. I self analyze daily. I take frequent inventory of my psyche every chance I get.
So, I'm back to square one. But one thing about me, I never give up!
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Something happened at therapy that is bothering me
Not what you think.
When I was 14, I started to gain weight. Around the same time, the sexual abuse stopped. It was also around the time my family started to ignore me. In my mind, being heavy equals safety.
Fast forward 30 years, I have maintained my weight between 280 and 300 pounds. If my weight starts to drop, my anxiety will go through the roof. Don't get me wrong, I fully understand years of being obese is terrible for my body, but so was abuse. I had to trade one thing (my health) for something else (safety). It was probably right at my breakdown nearly four years ago that I began to understand being this heavy is probably super bad and I should lose weight. I also knew that just losing weight wouldn't work while the underlying issue related to my weight was still lingering.
So, I figured while I was in therapy I would approach the topic and see if I can get passed it. But every time I brought it up, it would eventually either be overshadowed by something else my therapist wanted to discuss or completely skirted and never brought up again. That is what happened Monday when I started my session like this, "I have two things I want to discuss today and the first thing is pretty big. Since I started Pristiq, I have lost my appetite and I started to lose weight which has caused my anxiety to flare up. And it's something I need to figure out because I don't think me losing weight will stop any time soon." My therapists response, "How old are you now?" "I'm 44." "Well, maybe it's your body's way of telling you to lose weight, to spare your knees and your general health." My response, "I don't have health issues. I don't have heart disease or diabetes, I don't have back problems, I have high blood pressure but two doctors have diagnosed it as stress and anxiety related, and I have taken medication for 8 years to control that with no issues." And that was it. She started talking about something else and we never got back to it. She is a good therapist, she specializes in anxiety and agoraphobia and her approach fits my personality. It's hard to find a therapist who will not discuss the MPD (multiple personality disorder) when you make it clear it is not up for discussion. She respects that boundary.
But this is bothering me. So, I told Melissa it was bothering me and I knew it was something I needed to work on but just like my therapists, she ended up skirting the issue and I called her out on it. Melissa said, "Huh, you're right. That's interesting." And that was it. o.0
Why is this so hard to discuss? Why is it so hard to get help for this? There has to be other people out there who are experiencing the same thing; gaining weight to protect oneself, and then losing weight without trying to having that cause anxiety. I can't be the only one. I don't know what to do about this if no one is willing to listen to me and understand there is great concern about this. But I will try again during my next session and I will let her know that it did bother me and this is not something that needs to be skirted. If I don't stand up for me, no one will.
When I was 14, I started to gain weight. Around the same time, the sexual abuse stopped. It was also around the time my family started to ignore me. In my mind, being heavy equals safety.
Fast forward 30 years, I have maintained my weight between 280 and 300 pounds. If my weight starts to drop, my anxiety will go through the roof. Don't get me wrong, I fully understand years of being obese is terrible for my body, but so was abuse. I had to trade one thing (my health) for something else (safety). It was probably right at my breakdown nearly four years ago that I began to understand being this heavy is probably super bad and I should lose weight. I also knew that just losing weight wouldn't work while the underlying issue related to my weight was still lingering.
So, I figured while I was in therapy I would approach the topic and see if I can get passed it. But every time I brought it up, it would eventually either be overshadowed by something else my therapist wanted to discuss or completely skirted and never brought up again. That is what happened Monday when I started my session like this, "I have two things I want to discuss today and the first thing is pretty big. Since I started Pristiq, I have lost my appetite and I started to lose weight which has caused my anxiety to flare up. And it's something I need to figure out because I don't think me losing weight will stop any time soon." My therapists response, "How old are you now?" "I'm 44." "Well, maybe it's your body's way of telling you to lose weight, to spare your knees and your general health." My response, "I don't have health issues. I don't have heart disease or diabetes, I don't have back problems, I have high blood pressure but two doctors have diagnosed it as stress and anxiety related, and I have taken medication for 8 years to control that with no issues." And that was it. She started talking about something else and we never got back to it. She is a good therapist, she specializes in anxiety and agoraphobia and her approach fits my personality. It's hard to find a therapist who will not discuss the MPD (multiple personality disorder) when you make it clear it is not up for discussion. She respects that boundary.
But this is bothering me. So, I told Melissa it was bothering me and I knew it was something I needed to work on but just like my therapists, she ended up skirting the issue and I called her out on it. Melissa said, "Huh, you're right. That's interesting." And that was it. o.0
Why is this so hard to discuss? Why is it so hard to get help for this? There has to be other people out there who are experiencing the same thing; gaining weight to protect oneself, and then losing weight without trying to having that cause anxiety. I can't be the only one. I don't know what to do about this if no one is willing to listen to me and understand there is great concern about this. But I will try again during my next session and I will let her know that it did bother me and this is not something that needs to be skirted. If I don't stand up for me, no one will.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Medication
When I started this blog some time ago, I really truly believed I could manage my anxiety with vitamins. I was successful in managing my depression with Niacin and have for a couple of years. But for the life of me, I could never find a vitamin to control my anxiety, nor more importantly, my agoraphobia. So, out of options I made the very difficult decision to go back on medication.
As a lot of people with Mental Illness knows, taking medication is a pain in the ass! Not just the process of having to remember to take said pill/pills at regular intervals but also having to deal with the side effects, that at times, feels like someone is pulling your belly button out through your nostril.
I was on Buspar for three months. Every single day, three times a day, I felt like I was going to puke my soul out. I never adjusted to the Buspar. My psychiatrist then put me Pristiq, 50mg once a day. The ONLY side effect I have noticed with this medication is the lack of appetite. When I say lack, I mean zero appetite. I have lost so much weight (which is anxiety inducing on it's own, but that's for another blog) that the tattoo I have on my left wrist has shifted. But the anxiety was still there. So, she added Lamotrigine (Lamictal), 50mg once a day for two weeks and then 100mg once a day thereafter.
Saturday was the first day I actually felt something was different. By then, I had been on the combination Pristiq/Lamotrigine (Lamictal) cocktail for about four days. I spent 8 hours in the backyard working on rebuilding my fascia on my house. 8 hours. Outside of my house. I did not notice the anxiety. I didn't think about the fact that I was outside. I thought it was maybe a fluke because 1. it was a project that needs to get done, and 2. Melissa was with me the whole time. Then Monday rolls around and I have to go to therapy. I drop Melissa off at work and head to my appointment. I feel a titch anxious but not like normal. I come home after my appointment and take a nap. I leave the house once again to go get Melissa from work, this time I feel a bit more anxious but still not like usual.
Then yesterday and today I am still doing some work on the house and I am outside. The anxiety is there but a LOT less than usual. I really do think the combination of Pristiq and Lamotrigine (Lamictal) is actually doing something. I think this is the combination I have waited for for so many years. I have been on: Depakote, Paxil, Prozac, Zoloft, Gabapentin (which caused me to gain 45 pounds in a month and nearly cut off my breathing), Lexapro,Xanax, Buspar. The Xanax works but I don't like taking it, so I until recently recently, I only took it when I had to leave my house. I haven't taken it today. Even though I am working outside today and probably will for a few hours, I haven't felt a need to take it.
As much as I hate it, I think I am benefiting from the medication. I am also skeptical because it is still new to me and I have only taken it for a short time. We shall see in a few months once my system has had prime opportunity to adjust to it fully. But still, I can't help but get a bit excited by the early results.
As a lot of people with Mental Illness knows, taking medication is a pain in the ass! Not just the process of having to remember to take said pill/pills at regular intervals but also having to deal with the side effects, that at times, feels like someone is pulling your belly button out through your nostril.
I was on Buspar for three months. Every single day, three times a day, I felt like I was going to puke my soul out. I never adjusted to the Buspar. My psychiatrist then put me Pristiq, 50mg once a day. The ONLY side effect I have noticed with this medication is the lack of appetite. When I say lack, I mean zero appetite. I have lost so much weight (which is anxiety inducing on it's own, but that's for another blog) that the tattoo I have on my left wrist has shifted. But the anxiety was still there. So, she added Lamotrigine (Lamictal), 50mg once a day for two weeks and then 100mg once a day thereafter.
Saturday was the first day I actually felt something was different. By then, I had been on the combination Pristiq/Lamotrigine (Lamictal) cocktail for about four days. I spent 8 hours in the backyard working on rebuilding my fascia on my house. 8 hours. Outside of my house. I did not notice the anxiety. I didn't think about the fact that I was outside. I thought it was maybe a fluke because 1. it was a project that needs to get done, and 2. Melissa was with me the whole time. Then Monday rolls around and I have to go to therapy. I drop Melissa off at work and head to my appointment. I feel a titch anxious but not like normal. I come home after my appointment and take a nap. I leave the house once again to go get Melissa from work, this time I feel a bit more anxious but still not like usual.
Then yesterday and today I am still doing some work on the house and I am outside. The anxiety is there but a LOT less than usual. I really do think the combination of Pristiq and Lamotrigine (Lamictal) is actually doing something. I think this is the combination I have waited for for so many years. I have been on: Depakote, Paxil, Prozac, Zoloft, Gabapentin (which caused me to gain 45 pounds in a month and nearly cut off my breathing), Lexapro,Xanax, Buspar. The Xanax works but I don't like taking it, so I until recently recently, I only took it when I had to leave my house. I haven't taken it today. Even though I am working outside today and probably will for a few hours, I haven't felt a need to take it.
As much as I hate it, I think I am benefiting from the medication. I am also skeptical because it is still new to me and I have only taken it for a short time. We shall see in a few months once my system has had prime opportunity to adjust to it fully. But still, I can't help but get a bit excited by the early results.
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