We've Become Experts

Those of us who lean more toward the crazy have become experts in our field of mental illness. We look blurred into the mirror, one eye focus while the other eye sits confused by the sudden onset of light. Our hands tremble as we reach for food or soda or the tv remote, those few early symptoms of "not so good" coming to a head. We try to hold it together for everything it's worth. We try to tame the craving of running away, setting one unstable foot in front of the other, and scamper away from whatever demon we think is in hot pursuit. We start to lose sleep. We toss and turn, aggravating the loved ones and furbabies as the covers go on and then in a fit of feeling confined toss the blankets aside. This insomnia induced dance goes on for hours.

But WE see the signs, sometimes, those of us who are trained in the art of knowing our of own minds. We tend to cradle the "not so good" in order to maintain some presences of peace but deep down we know it's only a matter of time before we lay curled in front of tv, unable to focus on anything because our eyes are dry.

Halloween is one day away. One day. And I start to relive the night, that one night so long ago, now 40 years ago when who I was suppose be was shattered. I know the signs of my "not so good" now, I'm an expert, and I know I will not sleep tonight, and Halloween will be here in 46 hours, and I count them down. But I won't sleep, I don't want to see the imagines.

Keep moving forward

When people see me, they have an immediate assumption; lazy, good-for-nothing, won't work. They don't understand on what level I want to work. I hear people complain about their jobs all the time and all I can think is, "really? You get up, walk outside your home, and work? And for some reason that sucks?" I started building a home based business because I need to work. I don't make money from my business, yet, but I am working. I am working toward something.

I found a way to control my binge eating

Along with other myriad of issues I have, I am also a food addict. That is a very controversial subject, people will say, you cannot be a food addict, you are simply eating to try to erase the pain you feel, the memories you want to avoid, etc. I can see that point of view, I can even agree with it. But until an accurate label is placed upon it, all we have left is food addiction.

That being said, I used to binge eat whenever I felt a sudden rush of stress I could not handle. We all have stress in our lives, and for the most part I could control and handle my stress. But there days when it became too much and I binge. I ballooned to 325 pounds. The weight never bothered me. I was never unhealthy. Never diabetic, no high cholesterol, I was healthy but fat. I was happy and content to be fat for several reasons, but that's not why I'm writing this. I am writing this to explain how I developed a way for me to control my binge eating.

How? You may ask... I started cooking.

I have always enjoyed cooking but all of my skill was rudiment, no real skill, no serious experience. In 2006 I started baking more, I did research to learn how to make cakes from scratch and from there my passion for cooking grew. In the winter I bake my face off, bake... my... face... RIGHT... off! Not with pot but with sugar and spices! I make cakes, brownies, cookies, breads, etc. I found my love and my passion. But how did making food help you control binging? Fair question.

I discovered the most hands on I was with food, cutting, mixing, marinading, creating rubs, everything. Then I discovered America's Test Kitchen who took the passion for cooking to another level by teaching not only great recipes but the techniques that make those recipes work.

I had to slow down to create these recipes. I couldn't just throw food into a pan and then gorge. I had to slow way down, red section of the recipe several times, slice, cut, julienne, etc. When I was forced to slow down and truly concentrate on what I was doing with the food, the concept behind the food changed. It was no longer temporary bandage over a void festering wound. Food became a canvass, it became a way for me to be creative when the writing juices weren't flowing easily.

I had to slow down and then... I started concentrating on the wound. It didn't happen all at once, it was a long painful process. Healing is a long painful process but it's worth it, the fight to better is worth it. I found my way to control my binge eating, everyone should.

Side Effects may include...

I think doctors have a sick sense of humor and are a bit sadistic. Yet, we put our trust in them because we assume, in some small part, they have the answers.

I recently saw my psychiatrist. I actually like this one. Those she fumbled a bit on the lamictal, she has fully understood my need for xanax. I don't use it often, only to leave the house for appointments, to help Melissa with grocery shopping, taking the dogs or cats to the vet, etc. I can make a 30 day supply last for 90+ days. That's not boasting, that's just my reality. 

So, during my last psychiatric visit my doctor prescribed topomax. The first day I had the following side effects: I could not comprehend a thing anyone around me was saying, except every other word, and I needed time to piece those words together and figure out what it meant; I was groggy; my mouth was dry; I had zero interest in food; food tasted funny; soda... well... soda tasted gross; and I felt exhausted. 

Can you imagine what must go through the minds of doctors as they prescribes these medications? They know these side effects will take place. They know some of the side effects will not be fun. One of the side effects of topomax is a feeling of being tired but also insomnia. To that I say... o.0

I will feel tired but I won't sleep? Sucks to that! That's what I'm feeling now. It's ok though. I get a lot done in the middle of the night.