A lot of people have asked me recently, “how does your relationship work? Does your mental illness ever come into play? Does it affect your relationship?”
First, yes, my mental illness affects my relationship. It causes strains and stress and it causes resentment and anger. Being with someone with a mental illness is difficult, even for the most patient person, like Melissa. She gets frustrated when I can’t go outside, when she wants to go to the store but she doesn’t want to go alone, when she wants to go to the museum or the zoo, when she wants to do yard work, these are the things she loves to do but she rarely wants to do it alone. But my illness, my agoraphobia and social phobia gets in the way and it hurts her when we can’t do things together.
But then there are days when I can, and we go out, we have fun, we laugh, and remember what it was like before my illness got so bad. That is not, however, the only thing that makes our relationship work in the midst of an illness, it’s a combination of several things.
1. We talk. We talk all the time.
2. We touch base with each other once a week or once a month. We make time to check in and say how we are feeling, if we are upset, angry, frustrated, disappointed. Regardless of how the other person feels (and that is the hard part, because we never try to hurt someone we love, but sometimes honesty is the best way to set loose the pains that plague us), don’t get me wrong, we never hurt each other on purpose, that isn’t cool, but we have to be honest.
3. We understand the illness is separate from our relationship. When people think of a relationship, some believe that it is all in or nothing. It simply isn’t true. In every relationship, there is a Me, a You, and an Us. Nothing can change that. In that order! Before anything else in a relationship can work, the “Me” must be well and taken care of. When one of us needs alone time, the other respects that. Everyone needs time alone to reflect and to self analyze. Putting every ounce of ourselves into a relationship will starve the relationship because the part of us we put in there will be eaten up really fast, and the other person will feel smothered. And when that happens, the relationship will fail.
4. Communication is not enough, when one person in the relationship speaks, the other must be willing to listen…. really….. listen! And not just pick out the words that seem threatening or derogatory. When we listen, we know and understand where the other is coming from and what they need from us in order to meet those needs. When your partner talks about something they need or how they are feeling, it is never an attack on us, never. They need to voice their feelings just like we do, and they do it for the same reasons, they need to vent. When we listen, we must never take an immediate defensive stance, because the moment that happens, the conversation is already over.
5. Allow the other person to grow. Each person continues to grow even in a relationship, they continue to mature and learn in life, and they use those experiences to become the person they grow into each day. And that growth and those experiences can add to a relationship.
6. Respect each others boundaries. No matter how long or intense a relationship is, each person has boundaries, and each person should respect that. Melissa has diaries, I have never read them. Those are her personal thoughts and feelings. If she wanted me to be privy to them, she would tell me. But until she tells me, I will not pry. If I am upset, she will not pry. She will ask if I want to talk about it and if I want to I will, but if I am not ready, she will not ask a second time.
7. Even after all that, sometimes fights happen. When tempers flare and people get angry. But we must remember that even when fights happen, that just means someone is angry, it doesn’t mean that the relationship is over. It just means someone is angry. If people threw in the towel every time someone gets angry, then no relationships would last after the first three months. It is especially difficult for those with troubled childhoods to fully understand that. Coming from an abusive childhood meant I saw my parents fight, sometimes violently, very often. So, my understanding of how relationships works was skewed, to say the least. I understand the way my parents were in a relationship was one out of desperation, they didn’t want to be alone, so they clung to the first person who showed them any interest. That is not love, that is co-dependency.
8. There is also a full understanding that no matter how hard we work at the relationship, there will be times when we don’t like each other very much. But the love will is still there. Don’t lose faith in each other simply because of a tiff. Find out why they are upset. Find out why they got angry and really, really listen to what they need. And then do those things. Meet their needs.
9. Compromise is not a dirty word. It means not being selfish. It means giving as much as taking. It means meeting your partner halfway. You cannot compromise on everything but compromising on most everything will ensure strength and trust in the relationship.
10. Trust is not freely given, it is earned. But when that trust is gone, the relationship is doomed. Lying does not spare your partners feelings, it puts a wedge into the foundation of the relationship. And over time, that wedge gets bigger and bigger and soon, the only reason you are still together is out of familiarity, not love. That is not a good reason to stay together, ever. Nor for the kids. Nothing damages a kid faster than watching two people who hate each other fight daily.
Now, even when everything on this list fits into place, that does not ensure a relationship will last forever. Each day you are together is a blessing but also understand sometimes relationships end. Not because they don’t love each other but because they grew in different directions. They need something else. It doesn’t always end because they met someone who fulfills them more than us, but because their needs outgrew the confines of the relationship. Enjoy each day you have together. Love each other.
