I'm not always best at 3 in the morning

I always feel strong at 3 in the morning when my resolve has been whittled to nothing. I can reason with myself at 3 in the morning that everything wll make sense when the sun comes up because after all isnt that what a new day is for? To develop better resolve? I’m not always at my best at 9 in the morning because then the fears wake up with the sudden burst of energy from the first cup of coffee of the day. But I can reason that into submission until the second cup and then all bets are off. I can look myself in the eye with the glare of disappointment gleaming back from the mirror when I realize after another 3 hours that it’s noon and my resolve is all but history. I turn my video game on and stare blankly as I move my “hero” from one successful mission to the next and feel as if I am indeed saving the galaxy because that seems more likely than saving my own world that peeks shyly from behind tear filled eyes as I realize for the 7 billionth time that I am sick, more sick than I thought at 3 in the morning and now it’s 7 at night and I have to start imagining myself lying in bed to fall asleep. What a joke, the sleep thing. It rears it’s ugly head as soon as I place my head on the pillow and I wonder, from so many years ago what lies waiting behind that closed door. I started closing my bedroom at age 7, locked the door at age 9, and by 14 I slowly became invisible. But those vicious pains of remembering always came back, always came to see that I never really sleep again. I feel ashamed that I am letting... well, not so much letting my illness determine how I live my life but the fact that right now, just at this moment in time I am a bit weaker than I want but that doesn’t mean I am weak forever. And so, at 3 in the morning I try to gain some self respect and try to convince myself again that I can do this... I can live, I can stay alive, and I bear falling asleep because by 9 in the morning my fear will be battling me again over a steaming cup of coffee... it’s our little game, it’s the game we play to remind each other that fuck resolve, who needs it?